Monday, February 16, 2009

Ssssh....anyone want a knitting needle

So the tricky time of the month has passed and I can now swap unhealthy introspection for my more usual take on things. Prozac doesn't do everything you know! Well not that jolly as today I have been learning all about health and safety. In fact this was day one of four days learning about health and safety which meant people falling off ladders, amputating limbs, blinding themselves and at best falling over and looking a bit of a prat (this one I understand, I give you my recent posterior injury). Not on the course I hasten to add but in the slides, film etc although I did get a rather nasty paper cut.

I was concerned it was going to be three days of boredom but today has been rather interesting to be honest. I am now wandering about doing little risk assessments on my environment. So I note that there is a bit of laminated plastic on the floor, on which I am certain to slip and crack my head open (whatever that means, I've always wondered what that actually means). That's a high risk but a low consequence but I can limit the affects by elimination, ie: putting it away. Or I could build up static electricity with my nylon socks on the carpet, thereby creating a huge electrical charge, electrocuting myself and starting a fire. There's a big risk of that, I think you'll agree.

Then there's my knitting needles, they represent an ever present danger to anyone who has knitting needles. Those without can breathe a sigh of relief. Just imagine if I slipped on the bit of laminated plastic - if of course I hadn't picked it up - fell into my knitting bag and thereby skewered my eye with a upward pointing knitting aid. That's a medium risk I feel but a high consequence, so I'm going to change my practice and put together protocols for dealing with knitting needles which I will distribute to all parties (that's just me then).

Knitting needles though are not just considered dangerous by me. No, they are officially offensive weapons. Apparently they can be bought at charity shops but the nice ladies who work there have to keep them behind the desk. This means you have to sidle up to them and whisper hoarsley 'You got any 6mm'. They look you up and down and reply 'Who wants to know?'. before bringing out a jam jar containing a variety of lethal shiny implements. Say the right thing and you could have yourself a pair of really hot 3mm but say the wrong thing and you'll just leave with a flea in your ear (or your coat).

The police keep it quiet as they are worried about encouraging copy cat OAPs but there have been a spate of drive by knitting needle stabbings with elderly ladies whizzing past in motorised wheelchairs, sticking their needles in the unsuspecting and nicking their post office books. In some cases the knitting was still on the needle, affording the police some excellent forensic evidence. Then there's the spate of grannies holding up post offices with sawn off crochet hooks. The police have tried to introduce a knitting needles amnesty but nans still manage to get them from dealers on the street, one of whom was spotted on CCTV wrapping a particularly vicious pair in a copy of The People's Friend.

The problem is these pensioners think that they have to have one because all their friends have one and the whole situation just spirals out of control. Commentators are putting it down to the influence of entertainers like Val Doonican, Max Bygraves and Gloria Hunniford, who incite violence with their vile songs like that one about tulips from Amsterdam - we all know what your going on about Max!

This automatic knitting needle is what's coming next to a 'hood near you. We need to stop them now!

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