Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Missionary Zeal

For me one of the joys of a visit to Toni and Guy to get one's roots done is the chance to read the latest issue of Cosmopolitan. It is always an edifying experience, helping me to become conversant with current sexual mores, physically challenging sexual positions, the latest theory on where my G-Spot might lurk and how to send a man wild with desire simply by whispering the words 'my knickers are in my pocket' in his shell-like.

Interesting as Cosmo is, and keen as I am to read it at the hairdressers, I can't help thinking that they make a lot of it up. Surely there are only so many positions one can adopt in the pursuit of fulfilling intimate congress for a start. The more of it you read, and I've read a lot of it, the more you notice that they repeat themselves, often just slightly changing the content to make it sound like some amazing new sexual technique that we all must learn. For instance one month spreading chocolate over your lover and licking it off slowly might be the most amazingly sensual thing to do and the following month it'll be ice-cream or if it's a healthy eating issue some low fat creme fraiche.

I think it's time for a complete overhaul and would like to offer Cosmo my services. I propose a sex column entitled ''Jenny's Practical Tips for Successful Procreation Within the Bounds of Decency'. I'd dispense sensible advice based on sound principles of hygiene and propriety. There'd be none of this silly nonsense about starfish and not wearing any knickers. Instead I'd have 'Winceyette Nightie of the Month' and 'Missionary Zeal: an illustrated guide to sensible intercourse without recourse to gimmicks, expensive or unecessary equipment or food'. Now that's a magazine I'd want to read in the hairdressers.


水災 said...
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jenny.spacedog said...
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